Josh Johnson Facts
By Michael Jong
At the behest (more like a mention, really) of Crashburn Alley’s Bill Baer last night, I decided to make up some fun Josh Johnson facts, a la the awesome Matt Wieters Facts site set up by Daniel Moroz of Camden Crazies and Ian Oland. Here we go:
– Josh Johnson doesn’t throw 97 mph fastballs. Baseballs run away from his hands at 97 mph in fear.
– When a butterfly flaps its wings in China, it causes a Josh Johnson slider in South Florida.
– Whenever a bat breaks, it’s actually thinking about Josh Johnson’s fastball.
– Josh Johnson’s changeup is one of the leading causes of worm deaths in the United States.
– Josh Johnson’s fastball actually hit .367/.410/.700 in its senior year of high school. It was drafted as a hitter in third round in 2002, but went unsigned out of team’s fears that it would remain committed to Josh Johnson.
– Josh Johnson once killed a bird with a pitch playing slow-pitch softball.
– Josh Johnson obliterated Randy Johnson’s last name with a fastball, claiming no other pitcher could have his last name.
– Josh Johnson can’t get enough of pitching, so on off days, he puts on a costume and pitches for the Washington Nationals under the name “Stephen Strasburg.”
– Josh Johnson’s replacement level is “all other baseball players.”
– Josh Johnson has never allowed a run. Rather, his powers are such that he allows the perception of runs scored.
– While Ubaldo Jimenez and Roy Halladay are All-Stars, Josh Johnson is the only pitcher capable of harnessing the power of all stars for his pitches.
– While Jimenez has thrown a no-hitter and Halladay has thrown a perfect game, Johnson is the only pitcher to have thrown a no-game, in which he threw three pitches and the opposing team was not allowed to hit due to and simply handed a loss so as to “not waste everyone’s time.”
– Josh Johnson exits games not when he is tired, but rather when he tires of toying with hitters. Thus, he is never tired, but merely bored.
– Commissioner Bud Selig will use the “best interests of baseball” clause and contract the Marlins if they every pitch Josh Johnson more than once every five days.
– And finally, for now: it is said that the harbinger of the End of Days is when Josh Johnson finally faces Matt Wieters for the first time.
Enjoy, and feel free to tack on more Josh Johnson facts in the comments and on Twitter. Just tweet the fact using the #JJFacts tag.