July 15, 2012; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins president David Samson (left) and owner Jeffrey H. Loria (right) during the ninth inning of the Washington Nationals shutout of the Marlins 4-0 at Marlins Park. photo/Robert Mayer
So yes, it’s true that David Samson successfully applied to be a contestant on the next season of CBS’ Survivor. It’s also true that cast members are expected to prepare a biography for inclusion on the show’s website. The biography is comprised of four factoids and twelve “questions” presented in a Playmate-of-the-month format. What happened next is nothing short of pure comedy gold. Samson responded.
Channeling the same public-relations genius that brought us the memorable Samson gaffes from his March 5, 2012 speech at the Beacon Council Breakfast, he weighed in with this gem about his personal “claim to fame” just 18 words in to his 325-word bio:
"Got local government in Miami to contribute over 350 million dollars to a new baseball park during the recession."
Clearly, Samson is not an elephant. An elephant would have remembered the hundreds of scathing articles excoriating him for expressing his opinion about the Miami voters that approved what has become the poster case for bad municipal stadium deals.
Moving deeper into the biography, he actually makes it through the next two questions without stepping on his external reproductive organs with his golf shoes on.
The next gem from the mine comes in his response to “Pet Peeves.” Eschewing his opportunity to tear his gaze away from the nearest mirror, he declares his irritation with (and I’m not kidding) “Laziness, Entitlement, and those who are not charitable.”
Really, David? I’ll turn the reins over to ESPN: The Magazine’s Chris Jones for the Pot, meet Kettle win:
"The only bigger creep involved was Loria’s smarmy, entitled stepson, David Samson, who has twice been installed as a top team executive, because nothing says qualified like “son of the second woman to marry the guy who made his money dealing art."
For the next question, “3 Words to Describe You,” Samson nails it with “persistent, witty and aggressive.” Oddly enough, those same three words describe Joe Pesci’s character in Lethal Weapon 2 right down to his socks.
When “asked” what three things he would like to have with him during the filming of the show, he paints himself as an insomniac narcissist who wants a baseball handy so he can “have a catch” (I wonder how many times he’s watched Field of Dreams. Seriously…who says ‘have a catch’ besides Ray Kinsella)? Good news, David! After an exhaustive search, we’ve finally located a throwing partner just slightly above your skill level. Good luck with your long toss program:
We’re going to give him a pass on the next question and skip to the one about why he wants to be on the show. Channeling his inner Charlie Sheen, our Special Snowflake states that it’s because “Winning!” and “the desire to be extraordinary.” Seriously? Lay off the tiger blood, bro.
Reading the remaining responses in his bio isn’t an undertaking for the faint of heart. If you’re not up for a combination of debilitating nausea, hysterical laughter, and blind rage, stop reading after the “Why do you want to be on Survivor” question. Here’s a couple of warning shots:
"My persistence in getting tasks done and by leading without actually being a leader."
OK, if by “tasks,” you mean sucking up to your stepfather and by “leading,” you mean managing to alienate an entire city, then well done!
"Do You Consider Yourself a Brain, a Beauty or a Brawn? I consider myself 60% brain, 35% beauty and 5% brawn."
He got his brains/beauty/brawn percentages wrong. It’s more like:
- Brains: 5%
- Beauty: 5%
- Brawn: 5%
- Annoying jackwagon: 85%
"I have been able to control my brain to maximize whatever talents I may have both on and off the field."
Unfortunately, that little task requires about 30% of the brain control required to unroll toilet paper. I would seriously love to have been able to peek into his brain when he wrote that, just to see what on-field talents he could possibly have been referring to. That he refers to them in plural is damning evidence of a capacity for self-deception of truly heroic proportions.
At the bottom of the bio is a link to a video clip. Dear readers, I just don’t have the stones to click the link. Let me know about it in the comments. My hat is off to those who can “survive” the clip.