Miami Marlins: The dark secret behind the Off-Season inactivity

Sep 5, 2015; Miami, FL, USA; Miami Marlins president David Samson before a game against the New York Mets at Marlins Park. Mandatory Credit: Robert Mayer-USA TODAY Sports

To many of us here at Marlin Maniac the apparent lack of action from the front office has been both frustrating and confusing. How could a team that only won 71 games (and by the numbers appears to have gotten lucky) do absolutely nothing to improve their roster for next season?

Well fear not, David Samson has a plan, and it’s a doozy.

New evidence reveals that the Fish have put into action a series of events that will shorten the season to 82 games as opposed to the current 162. There are several reasons this will be advantageous to the club.

Firstly, if the Marlins simply repeat their win total from last year, the shortened schedule will lead to a record of 71- 11, or an .865 winning %, the highest in major league history! And that’s just the baseline that this roster has already proven capable of. In a similar fashion to how moving in the fences will help the team, because it’s not as if the visiting team will also get the boost to home run production or anything, the fact that every other team will also be playing only 82 games and the records will scale should be completely ignored .

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The second brilliant aspect of Samson’s plan has to do with the pitching rotation. Earlier in the off season the Fish raised quite a few eyebrows by DFAing Henderson Alvarez, despite the fact that they only had 2 (if you are optimistic you can count Cosart, but I wouldn’t) other major league ready starting pitchers. But now that we know about the shortened schedule it’s clear that a team will play games every 2.19 days, so the five man rotation will become a thing of the past and replaced by the 2-3 man rotation. I don’t know why I ever doubted Samson’s brilliance, there is no point in taking a risk on Alvarez when you only need three pitchers anyway! Clearly this is the intelligence that allowed him to be so successful on the hit show Survivor.

The final piece of prep work that Samson and the Fish (album dropping next June) have done is the most devious. Before anyone else even got wise, they started scooping up retired great players for whom the decreased workload and increased time off will be very advantageous. Suddenly the Ozuna trade rumors make sense, why have a cheap, talented, and young outfielder when you can have the greatest player of all time on a coach’s salary. And not bringing in a platoon partner for Bour? The answer is simple, Mattingly will be his partner. You’re probably pointing out that the Hitman bats left, true but you’re a nerd and are unworthy of questioning the perfection that is David Samson’s brain.

Maybe this is the plan, then again maybe all the frustration that this team has caused me over the years has finally robbed me of my sanity. Who know, only time will tell.